I am stifled by
this house that once was but now is not my home. I am lonely but not
alone which is a very hard way. Alone I am in bliss and can work my
ass off but these days with all these people and upheaval I feel
lonely and must devote much energy to fending off depression rather
than towards creating. To solve the financial problem yet remain true
to my self. The fantasy is to have enough money in order to work on
my art.
The sun heals,
it works it's wonders on me, beating the bar scene and no longer
crying myself to sleep, emergence from the dark into the clear
starlight of the day - the sun heals me from my own apathy.
I'm thinking
about Autumn and winter and how I'd like to hibernate on Cape Cod.
I'm going to
meet a girl at the park by the reservoir. She's young and brown her
name is Terri and she plays tennis and we are friends. We met because
I was trapped by the way she moved on the tennis court and so stood
there leaning on the fence watching her and smoking cigarettes for an
hour, until she walked up to me and asked me what my name was...
The kid is here
this morning and also his mother. She wants to lie in the sun here in
the back yard because today she must go to work early and won't have
time to travel to the beach! Can you believe this shit? Anyway she
can do what she wants, I'll be taking Sean to the park and maybe
we'll swim in the reservoir. The day is sunny but I wonder if even
the sun can bail me out from the bad feeling I get when I see Suli.
She has ruined sunny days before with her sour face and sarcastic
bitch tongue - I suppose she's just part of the therapy a lifetime
throws at me. There are always things one must overcome in order to
liberate oneself and find happiness. I must free myself from the
annoyance of seeing her or else miss the opportunity to have a
beautiful day with my son. We shall overcome!
My throat is
killing me. I can't swallow a thing without extreme pain. Odd because
it's only painful on the right side - maybe some glandular thing?
Maybe I need some vitamins?
The little boy
is playing in the green turtle plastic pool right outside the kitchen
window. I look out over my coffee cup watching the beautiful golden
hair boy who is my son reminding me every few minutes that he has not
forgotten bout going to the park. Yes, yes , after breakfast, after
breakfast.
Was quite happy
about having written yesterday. I walked down the street so excited I
just wanted to tell somebody - "Wrote six pages" "Wrote
three poems!
I'd like so much to know someone who would appreciate the way I felt about having written a few things... I thought of you Maureen but you weren't around so I spent another afternoon talking with Terri, Terri of the tennis courts.
Just can’t seem to find the groove today. Yesterday I got a real joy from the act of writing but today... Perhaps it’s the pain in my throat or the pain in my ass Suli or maybe just too long a night before. Anyway am still feeling 100% better emotionally. Still at work on the therapy both prescribed and self induced and they are teaching me well.
Going to try and
pass a cigarette past this throat of mine.
Yeah oh yeah
breakfast is over and we go away....
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