1979-80
Bought Millers Rosy Crucifixion, spent the evening looking for all the sex part in the first book. I'm horny as hell to start with... My wife wants to leave me, can’t afford to live alone, feeling kinda broken, a discard, nobody can make me work. My own fault too, always left the good ones for the bad. It's going to take a talented woman to save me. The real problem isn't being without a woman or is it blistering myself with masturbation but rather not having a place to live. I just wish I could hole up somewhere and catch my breath. Some time a room to write, paint, just live for a while. I'm at my best when I'm on my own. Unfortunately for me my wife has drained a lot off of me. She's been my daily narcotic and now it kills me to live with her but I am afraid to go it with out her. It's going to happen though. One way or the other it is happening so, got to get my ass in gear. I'm a painter and a writer. I should be overjoyed with my new freedom. Instead I play the self pity gig. It does hurt about my son. I must in honesty say it hurts me that he won't have a family and I did want with all my heart to be with him as he grew.... Now is too late and does it matter whose fault it is? I have to live my life now and all I can give him is as much honesty as I am able, as I know it.
September rolling into Autumn, three o'clock running into tomorrow, cigarette smoke needles the corner of my nose, fuck it I wish I had some coke and fuckin’ Christ I been lonely most of my life and horny the rest of it - I must be due to catch a break. Can't complain about the weather today, so nice that even the wife couldn't get me down - I was happy today I woke up at five a.m. Venus staring me in the eye.... "Another cigarette pal? A little trouble with this writing stuff?" Now not talking to myself but writing to my self! Talk about masturbation I'm doing the literary version. Any way -
"Another cigarette pal?"
"Sure why not."
Damn the waters blocked for months.
So it’s like this, Sex is the Muse. No Sex = no production. If I just had a woman I could be with then writing would be easy. With painting all I need is a space, a room, a table, you know just give me the place to do it and I can always paint. I'm not passing the buck or nothing, I know I can get a piece of ass but what I really want is a true hot blooded romance.
Went to see my sister-in-law last night. Sat and watched a few movies, drank Marie Brizzard and got high. Have to get back with the car so the wife can go to work so I'm driving with a sweet breath and a nose full of cocaine and how nice it was to sit and relax to sink into being soft and comfortable at Terry's house...relax something I cannot do at home. I'm in bed high and feeling like a breath of fresh air, my wife even kisses me good-bye, a real shocker. It's late September and cold as thirty degrees but I'm warm and nice thinking about how falling asleep between the beautiful breasts of my wife's sister would be luxury.
Seven a.m. five hours sleep, a line of coke and a cigarette for breakfast, going to work, got that giddy cocaine hangover - don't give a fuck, don't have no cares, don't matter where I'm going as long as it's somewhere....
Turns out I was supposed to have the day off anyway. So I hang around the garage for a cup of coffee until everyone else starts then I leave before the boss changes his mind and finds something for me to do. Not feeling too bad today even without the coke I'd be feeling OK. Got a check the other day from some scholarship deal from the school, a remission of tuition scholarship. I mean free money in the mail, that's enough to put anyone in good spirits for a while.
Suli is looking for a place to live without me and I wish I could find a place too! Can't stay here even without her I couldn't - simply, can’t afford it. Besides the place is too cold in the winter and too wet in summer - my paintings get mouldy from the lake damp. All I want is a dry place where I can paint and do my poetry, a place where I can be alone, able to be myself. Also what makes it hard is not having a car so I also need to get a car or a place close to work but this little town doesn't have much to offer a starving artist :
WANTED
Good home for starving artist
comes complete with books and paintings
Packed my books yesterday, six large boxes of them. I suppose I should get rid of them but I just like to keep them around, even though I've read them all some even twice, but I get attached to them. Besides when I get settled if I get any literate visitors they can see how well read I am. All possessions are a boost to the ego, even books, which is all right with me, I need to booster myself. I mean I'd love to have someone look at my books and see me - can't you can tell a person from the book they keep? But no one seems to notice. It would be great to get a hold of someone who is interested in art and literature. You know I have all kinds of canvasses all over this little cottage, I mean the walls are covered with some aggressive colours - my friends though ignore them. It's like I have some terrible disease or affliction and they don't want to draw attention to it by talking about it. The only other artist I ever knew was Mary Brown, a dancer, a tragedy, a poet , a pre - Raphaelite - and of the spoken word? Well I never knew anyone whose voice was so hypnotic; I could hardly talk with her I’d be in such a state - the sound of her voice such a profound effect on me. I still find it hard to believe. Mary's voice in that small space between awake and sleep still makes love a timeless narcotic long after being unable to remember her face. I got her to write poetry. She got me to paint. I don't know if she still writes. She never saw me paint.... Christ, with all the madness I wish she was with me again.
Anyway, enough of the past, I'm hot for the future. I'm getting free of Suli, I've a chance to be happy, I'm getting money in the mail from people I don't even know and I can feel it in the air, I can sense it...And there is very definitely a woman on the horizon - I wonder who she is and how the fuck long it will take us to get together? But regardless of the bullshit there is a woman, only a shadow now only the bare essence of female soon though she'll take form. Physical features, personality revealed....
And the morning is young and I'm ecstatic - song sings from every pore, I'm exhausted, I'm energised - a snapped power line on my way. Today might be the day I find my next lover and if not fuck it there will be other days. And no Suli not even you my darling little slut wife, not even you are going to get me down today! This is my life my season my time - The wind and autumn sun strong like a crack along the concrete that my toes tap upon. I cannot care if I live in a tent this winter, I cannot care about anything now except I am free unchecked unleashed wild through the country side so watch out for your daughters and your wives....
Tomorrow might very well find me caged and shackled by my own self doubts but today I ain't gettin caught - Fuck you world go sit on a blind bulls dick cause you ain't gettin me - I'm on the way back to myself - Jail, drugs, knifings, marriage, shit somebody wanted to stamp me out but fuck you here I am! Maybe not exactly standing but I'm making an upward motion and in spite of anything I am happy about having lived and to be alive and there's no bullshit when I say that when it comes down to it I can regret nothing because I do love my life. I want to live somewhere. I can't paint and it's hard to write in this place. The house itself is oppressive to me, it’s just a down place besides it’s been too long since I moved, been here almost two years in the same place - dragsville. But I'm sure I'll live some where right?
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