Salamanders Green (part 2A) 19

It's impossible to swallow without pain today. Getting through breakfast required a real effort. I'm just waiting for the coffee to be ready - need a few cups then I'm gonna go and lay out in the sun. I wonder if my tonsils are due?

Screwed up on the coffee - put enough in for 8 but only 6 cups of water! Haven't even dared a taste yet.

Now the bitch has arrived but she has been friendly since yesterday when she got wind of me having some cash.

You: saw you last night in full moon light, walking in the ball field by the reservoir, to talk, to wrestle, to laugh and I still don't know what to do with you Maureen...

Stayed in bed all day so I could listen to the rain - there was no way I was going to walk to work, this non-depressive lacy summer rain was just too good to miss. Made orange juice, coffee, and peanut buttered toast for a mid afternoon breakfast - the toast a little burned, the juice a little warm the coffee a little bitter - just right for this little rainy day.

There's no one here today except my sister, she's watching soap operas and sketching pictures from fashion magazines - drawing during the commercials I guess. Of course I'm here in the kitchen at my favourite table writing and watching the rain through 3 different windows.

A cardinal in the maple, a grey squirrel up and down the fibreglass patio roof, the pearls of rain tipping needles of evergreen, It's a day for dreaming, a fantasy day, a wish away day.

Wishing for someone to dance in the rain with, that Denise won't be fool enough to get married, that I had a publisher, a friend a gallery, a place to live wishing I could reach out and touch you Mary, it always ends up you Mary. I couldn't have you so I broke my heart looking for you in other women until I had my life turned night mare by my "wife", heart numbed by these stone cold women but still I'm wanting, still I'm wanting to find you somewhere Mary.

There are 3 black birds playing in the grass, they play the serious game of feeding while I play the hilarious game of self therapy in hopes of liberation. Is solitude symptom or cure? Must one be alone to learn how to deal with others? Can it be that in seeking solitude one has given up, gone into exile, attempting to create an environment under ones own control?

Poured another cup and threw some seed out for the birds - sparrows, starlings and my favourite blue jays. There was quite a crowd then this pigeon flutters down and scares the rest away. The sparrows are the bravest they are always the first to return.